You can always divorce her, you don't need this lame excuse. It takes effort on a daily basis, even small things. Have a professional help you guys. A marriage therapist may be a much better idea than an immediate divorce. Move on. So slow down and work this process and you will start to feel more connected to reality and better able to deal with this situation and make the best decisions for your future. Why did you come to this sub asking for advice? How many 45 year old men come to a website mainly filled with teenagers knowing the exact format for validation on their major life choices? Even if you find the perfect partner, that doesn't mean it's going to be that way for twenty plus years. 'I can't wait to be free' 'I'm still young, now I can do the things I always wanted', OP - "My biding my time has finally played off! Its also a lot of people projecting their own past relationships onto a stranger. Communication is hard, but obviously both of you stopped communicating at some point and it became a habit. after reading your responses to the comments, it sounds like youve already been looking for a way out? Yep my reality feels broken. To be honest you are in a sh*t storm. You are wounded. If after 20 years you don't, something is terribly wrong. OP needs to RUUUUUN and be glad he's only 45 and not in his 70's or something. They would but looking through his comments I think they've been wanting to divorce for a while. Sometimes we say things in the moment that we don't mean and that can really hurt people but I encourage OP to look at what he does have. If you want a divorce just because she feels like this now, I think the idea you have about marriage might be a bit too much fairy tale level. Things ended when Tom took a job across the country and my wife chose not to follow him. That comment is just plain insulting, especially overhearing it. I looked for this comment about not being happy in the relationship ever and couldnt find it, but if the op did say this wouldnt it mean he settled too? It implies you werent who they truly wanted, youre not really making them happy, and youre always being compared against someone else. That even after 20+ years and two kids she didn't get over her ex. Hell even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone he was crazy over. Perfection is the enemy of good. Still, sometimes I miss that excited feeling I got with the other guy. Love is not always an all or nothing situation. If you're willing to throw away a 20+year relationship over speculation maybe you were not that committed to it after all. There is no misinterpretation here, no hyperbole, no metaphor. Does she show her love in a physical way? She doesn't wish she was with him as much as she wishes she was the her back then (young,hot, and spontaneous). If she saw Tom now, older, probably balding and fat with grey in his hair, I doubt she would feel the same. She is thinking she wasted her youth. Looking through our spouse's phone is great advice? Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. I felt awful that I was making her feel like that and crushed that she didnt like me. not enough context. If you don't think people don't change, including yourself, after 20 years then you're just living a lie of lies now and after you divorce if you choose that route. Maybe there are issues there you were unaware of and your marriage can be saved. And how many times have we all said something that we didn't mean to slip out. I might be wrong about that, but you should at least reflect on your motivation. I imagine it was something like her phone friend describing her own ex and putting down her own spouse and his wife has a weak personality in the face of friends and was bragging she had a past too. It has to be. Based on their ages, they got married relatively young and then immediately after children. Maybe she settled and then that settling extended into them having kids. I'm not minimizing the hurt he's feeling, it was a terrible thing to say and overhear. Plus everyone is not on his side and all the anger he feels he wants to use it to show them that he is not. So it makes me wonder if a lot of miscommunication has to do with the fact that the signal-to-noise ratio for the sexes is different and how likely it is that any one statement will lead to some action beyond venting. Whether she is romanticizing the idea of Tom or actually Tom. 
Everyone is trying as hard as they can to mitigate it for her, hell she could come here for her weak lies about why she said it. It sounds like he doesn't have anyone validating his feelings, even if he knows what he wants to do. There are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard. Oh, so it is what it sounded like? This isn't some heat of the moment thing she blurted out and regretted. Observation: Would it make a difference if she told you directly? I also put a small umbrella just in case it rains. You deserve to be someone's #1! Also take Reddit opinions with a grain of salt. People do have regrets, if OP feels this is right course than move on. PERIOD. It would seem they either settled for their partner and want to downplay it or know they were settled for and are desperately trying to tell themselves that isn't a problem. Lol "her side of things" only matter because she's a female. It's taken many years, and slowly I've started to accept that although it sucked in general, there were a couple of other things that might have made me happy during those years too. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. Well, if you think you can possibly work past it, maybe try therapy and give it another go. She almost certainly was for at least some and probably most of it. Right? Sorry but, someone saying they settled for their partner and it's over for me, what the fuck is the point then, mediocrity? You wont regret your freedom and there are other amazing ppl that are capable of actually loving you. I hadnt seen those comments. So is this what I have to look forward to in regards to marriage? its always omfg dump them lol queen. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Yeah, pretty much. I think some sense of "what if?" Personally I'd not be willing to give up on 20 years that quickly, not at least with out trying some couples counseling first. They are not the ones who have to live the second half of your life unhappy that your spouse looks at you like a Plan B. I guess the big thing is to be thoughtful and let the situation breathe a little bit before you take any action. Have you at least sat down and heard her out. I'm so sorry man. I know!!! Most people would be hurt and want to try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling especially after 20 YEARS of marriage. This friend is in a serious relationship, he kicked off the contenscious post. And now youve finally found something you can blow up enough it might get people to pat you on the back and say, congratulations for leaving!. What does this mean? This was my first thought after reading Ops post. Oh you settled for me? No 45 year old woman with a marriage and kids is sitting around pining for a guy she knew when she was 20 years old. If you're sure this is what you want then get a good lawyer and follow their advice. I'll assume you weren't the only fertile man on the planet at the time. Im so sorry. Knowing fully that it was something shed been repressing, Id immediately need some kind of recourse from my spouse because I meanhow else am I supposed to feel?! For me, the trust would be totally gone. She settled is a a pretty certain statement. This is absolutely grounds to end a marriage. It sounds like you were also just looking for a reason to leave, and have seized on this opportunity to break things off, using her as an excuse. There is no perfect spouse. Maybe you both will be better off apart, the grass is always greener on the other side and I think that applies to both people here. WebWhat is the best random conversation you overheard? I married the most impressive person I have ever seen. I am 100% certain these communication gurus in every thread have never been married. This friend is in a serious relationship. I'm feeling a lot of unreality. A lot of the people giving advice to this guy to leave his wife have probably never even had a 20 year long relationship. :grin2: There simply isn't a reasonable context for his wife to lie to her friend. We gotta own the words, that we say. Walking away from the wreckage has nothing to do with boredom. Yeah, anyone considering divorce should talk to a lawyer before doing anything else. Agreed. The advice here is most often ghost them!, lawyer up!, and cut all contact!. A "convenient excuse" seems to be downplaying this situation even if there were issues before this. I think OP is still young enough to find someone who sees them as the best thing that ever happened to them. Now OP wants to be set free and his wife pines for younger funner times with a bad boy before kids. So what does it look like? It's one thing to fantasize what could have been, and another regretting that it didn't happen. I honestly think that if they sit down with a therapist and talk it all out brutally honest then they'll have a better sense if they should divorce. Those words were deeper than their face value meaning. And I think it's worth asking why it is that the OP never noticed anything was wrong before. Sounds like youve been wanting to divorce for a while now but didnt want to be the bad guy. Its also so funny how these people who are well into their middle age come to Reddit and know the exact format for a throwaway account. I mean, thats your right, but if youve been happy for 20 years, it seems like theres probably a relationship worth trying to salvage. Stop barraging your wife with questions it was way in the past before shed even met you. While I wholeheartedly agree, I still think you "settled" in a way. Ultimately, she shouldve talked to you. So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this. ding ding dingwinner winner chicken dinner right here. Man, even if I overheard someone say that after a year of being together I'd still think to leave. You dont worry about what your family thinks. It doesnt make them an awful person it usually just means they miss the excitement of that time of their life and that youve still got that idealized person in your head. You will find the person who loves and appreciates you. Frankly, if someone is insecure enough to leave under the circumstances described here I think OPwife should be glad to see them go unless they are trying to work on it. It would be like mentioning a bowel movement that was too big and caused you more hassle then necessary and how you then learned to increase the fibre in your diet. Yall just because youve been in a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything. Edit: Read through some comments for perspective and it's kind of heart-breaking to see how many people are down for "throw out the whole wife." Its not uncommon to look back and think of what might have been. Everyone feels at one time or another like maybe they could have done better. The habits of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not innate. But she should've started talking to you long ago and, and this is the hard part, you would have had to know how to listen, and not let upset create worse problems, and that's not easy either. Fucking. I really feel the relationship is salvageable if they both agree to work on it. Do it with someone that does appreciate you and isn't dead from the waist down. I wish I'd had the wisdom and awareness this man does to just move on. You never fantasized about another woman? Both of these are incredibly sensible responses. There's obviously much more to this than you are saying and I think that you are projecting your own issues onto your wife. Staying together for the kids is the worst thing you can do. Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. Im just glad my IRL friend group/family/boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way to people. So the fact that she was upset about him immediately saying he wanted a divorce means that she actually doesnt feel that way? Okay so if she says its not what you think, what is her explanation? 
I often wonder what that would be like. (And obviously I would never have found my SO.). Your family probably isnt going to support you unless they hate her but I guess you got enough internet strangers to validate you. If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". Completely and wholeheartedly. 
When you decide to be with someone you should hold nothing back from one another, even after you've said your vows. Glad I know its possibly not for me, but I'm open minded. SHE LITERALLY SAID SHE WISHES THOSE 20 YEARS DIDN'T HAPPEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT. Maybe you settled but that's not gonna be me. ), and she finds a way to go back in time and tries to warn her younger self to not marry him. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. In short, the OPs feelings are valid, but his actions are pretty immature. Remember to take deep breathes, start speaking after she finishes her sentences, and remain emotionally calm despite your inner feelings. Thats deeper and so much better than any excitement. I mean, it's an isolated event, you can't make a decision based on that, come on!". Maybe divorce is the final result, but you owe it to yourself to see if what you have is fixable. Shes 40 years old, has two children with his husband and she is still holding up to a douchebag she fell in love in her late teens? If the genders were reversed every female responder would be screaming to dump that guy. I mean I say a lot of stupid shit too but I'd consider this a deal breaker if I was ever told this and would never ever say this even to make the person on the other end feel better. How is OP supposed to operate now with people in their circle looking at their marriage as described by his wife? I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. They kept going and were able to continue to live productive and joyful lives. I think speaking with a marriage counsellor might be worthwhile before committing to this decision. She was practicing lines for an audition and the names just happen to coincidentally be those of her ex and her husband. And next time try to take less than 20 years to get to know someone deeply. There was no choice. Hearing her say so things was the last straw. She may have married him because he was kind, understanding, had the potential to be a great father, had a stable job, showed her he cared for her etc. Just because your relationship may be ending or its in a very rough place doesnt mean you cant turn down the temperature. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Im guessing the threat of losing a 20 year relationship will probably help her remember the good there too. I recommend couples counseling. There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. So creepy. Once he has divorced her, ridden his motorcycle, had a couple of dates, and all the resentment and shock washes away, then he may start to actually think about this and consider that his marriage was a lot more than a lie, and maybe reflect on the good times and love he and his wife shared. She did not say this stuff to the OP she said it to her friend and one side of the conversation was overheard without context. OP's account suspended (By Reddit, not R_A) and thus post is now locked. Let the man have some dignity, and live his life the way he wants it, with the little respect he can still get. Her one conversation is not necessarily the way she has felt for the entirety of your marriage. Talk to her sister and explain everything as she really knows what the actual F is happening. she wants excitement? Husband: Dear, did you bring any cash? Wife: I tucked some money in your shirt pocket. Husband: What about my p Wife: Your pills, along with your wallet, is in your bag. Even when you're prioritising hers. You seem really hurt, and betrayed even by this statement It doesn't make sense. Anyone can be a shady fuck! Like wondering what it would have been like if you had been born an entirely different human? It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again. Not an also ran!". 
Yeah I side with this. You go girl!! I'm sorry you've experienced this. 
Am I really that upset, or do I really have an emotional need to see myself as a victim? Challenge yourself to entertain her but be honest with yourself. Makes me proud knowing that my 'real face' is much more attractive than my real face. You were never tempted? Which is exactly why her words about her ex hit below the belt and it was the last straw. When someone is done, 20 years does not mean shit. In fact, I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended with the exciting guy. It's not "totally fine". These fools have no idea how soul crushing that actually is. Im thinking the exact same thing, like as if hes supposed to be grateful that she stuck around for him. That's quite an interesting thing to think about. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. If she'd brought it up to HIM, there might have been something to discuss. Way to minimize what essentially amounts to 20 years of romantic deception and lying. Sounds like OP and his wife would benefit from some professional counseling so that they can better communicate with each other and determine how to improve their relationship. Then one day something happens and you snap and it looks like you're blowing things out of proportion over something that looks small and everyone else wonders what's wrong with you that you'd react in such a way, but it's not really just that one thing. You aren't someone's safe boring second option. OP consider this, if Tom had popped up during your marriage and told her he made a mistake giving her up would she have been gone like a shot? Heck they might even grow from the experience and be a better people as they move on in life. A normal person would be pissed for sure and ask for clarification not divorce after 20 years. Most of all, values you! I can say for sure, that it would be really weird if she thought about a Tom, every day, for the past 20 years. Or vise versa..just another example of a relationship broken because there were no words spoken We dont know the full story, but we know this. Theres this twilight zone episode where Anne is about to marry a nice guy, but the exciting bad boy convinces her leave him. 
Tell her to go find Tom. I am fairly certain we have all played what-if in our minds. Either you still love her and are just really hurt by her callous comment and perhaps couples counseling could save and improve your marriage. If that's really all it's gonna take for you to leave, then you were never really that committed in the first place. It is. You've invested 20 years, she has invested 20 years. Not alot but if you find anything more message me and ill add it to the list. The heck you mean you ate the last Kraft Dinner? Oh youre just too sensitive. Relationships, most of all, are never perfect. People often settle for security and if he's gone that security is also gone. Why marry someone and spend decades with them if they dont make you happy? There is no coming back from a confession like that. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the future, with your current wife, or without her. I think Ill likely stop commenting on posts altogether. you were married to your wife for over 20 years. Even a killer has an excuse if you ask. I can maybe get it if it was something insignificant like they didn't actually like their favorite cologne or haircut or something to make their friend feel better about whatever situation they're in, but this isn't just a small instance of "throwing someone under the bus". And for what its worth, its one thing for my wife to chat with her friends about my various shortcomings, which are numerous, believe me. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. its obviously because of the initial post. This comment you overheard was the final hit of the hammer on the final nail in the coffin. Jumping straight to divorce as a reaction is even dumber. All of it. is dishonest, because you're not looking for advice. Sounds like he has some resentment built up he didn't reveal to us. Being in love and loving someone are different. Also if your helmet is old, get a new one. The question is now that it's been said what to do with it? Settled is an obviously hurtful word, and I dont blame the op for being angry, but the sentiment is something that anybody whose feelings were not returned at that age feels for an old flame. If this was a series of actions done out of hurt and anger rather than a really thought out decision, then he may come to regret how he acted. I agree, in all actuality of this, she's the one that originally expressed contempt for the relationship. OP probably figure there was an underlying reason for the rejection. He can't force their love to be mutual, and since he wants a marriage that's based on mutual love, he's right to leave. Men (not all) do not tend to spew literally everything inside of them as catharsis. I know a lot of people dont think like this or practice this. Give her a chance to explain herself. In this scenario OP has a 21 year old daughter and has been married for 20 years. He's gaslighting you, probably cheating and toxic, you should block him and ghost. Why even get married? Who sees them as a blessing, as someone who completes them and who makes all the suffering they have endured worth it, because in the end; it led to them meeting OP. Allowing an offhand phrase no matter how hurtful it was to bring your 20 years to an end is an overreaction. Not to mention the huge change of having the final kiddo head off to college just a year or so before. It's entirely understandable to want to end something like that right off the bat, as it's feels like a dissolution to love. It's hurtful, but a reason to get divorced? The difference is that he flies off the handle and divorces her at the first opportunity. Just not falling for sunk cost fallacy. I know you are hurting right now, but if you're able to get passed it, I think counseling would be needed. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. If it were a year or so in and shes not over her ex, big deal, talk to her. Thank you this was important for me to read. But in the end you learn to appreciate where you are. Given the length of time from which it began it's about a person she hasn't seen in quite sometime. You deserve to be someone else's PERSON! It seems their marriage has been having problems that OP and his wife haven't been addressing them. good catch, maybe hes always felt trapped and only stayed with her for the kids because hes a decent guy, but now that they are out of the house his reason for being there in the first place is gone. She said it on the phone with a friend to convey that exact information not to make a different point. But if she never initiates and sex is "hurry-up-and-get-off-me starfish and you two are more like room-mates, then I'd want out too; especially after hearing that the guy before you was the one that got away. That I could forgive. If hearing her comment breaks OP's trust in his wife to such a degree, why would he stay when he wants to leave? Fuck her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction is stupid. She's sorry you heard it. If that is the case and he no longer believes her, why stay and potentially being miserable? For real. https://youtu.be/wIsfGPsd-SQ. And you didnt bring up being willing to talk about it with her or trying marriage counseling. The relationship is with the doing. Sometimes, people really say the worst shit regardless of what you feel bec people are imperfect. I never said he shouldnt divorce her. If your spouse was talking about you to their mentor, doctor, counselor, therapist, or clergy, you might need to pump those brakes. It's unfortunate that you overheard it but I don't think you should just throw away the last 20 years. Very well said lady very well said. I dont think kids should stop the ending of something that is clearly bad, and I think my parents are better off than they were near the end for sure, but those decisions do reverberate throughout a family. No one can know what you truly want or what will make you happy, if thats the case you leave, stop wasting your time and Hers. He didnt mean it Wasn't expected a Johnathan Richman lyric here on reddit. Sweeping it under the rug or "settling" might benefit you temporarily, but it will almost certainly lead to problems, often irreparable damage, down the road for both of you. She doesn't get a pass on making someone feel like they wasted 20 years because she's on her period or whatever. Good luck! Somewhere along the way I guess I always knew I was settled for but was in massive denial. Everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud. I hate to say it but its true that this sub has a double standard with this sort of thing. you're right, it must have been terribly hurtful for OP, and counselling (individual and/or couples) would be beneficial. Like he's been wanting an Out for awhile and has been waiting for any reason he can blame on HER, specifically, to end this marriage. I find the second more damning, if just because it's so more personal. Just get through right now in as healthy a way possible. Like you yourself, never thought about it? Perfectly reasonable answer. The man, who was accusing his wife of cheating, said that when he goes through his wife's phone because of a suspicion he doesn't look through the conversations between his wife and the other suspected man (or men), he looks through the conversations between his wife and her best [girl] friends. Look, maybe I'm the asshole here, but so what, Todd (I'm just going to assume that's you name. Like saying you settled for your husband and wish your ex had been serious. Something isnt right here Its always some long term relationship where a wife or gf of 5+ years is on the phone talking apparently LOUDLY about how she settled for the safe option after being rejected by her bad boy ex, friend with benefits, whatever. I cannot updoot you hard enough, it's not just saying she feels like she settled but saying she thinks about her ex EVERY DAY. Have been like if you had been serious way in the past before shed even met.! 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And if he knows what he wants to be downplaying this situation even if he 's gone security... Hurt by her callous comment and perhaps couples counseling could save and improve your marriage ( by Reddit, innate., he kicked off the contenscious post in his 70 's or.. Never even had a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything regretting that it did n't happen man Tom... This or practice this FUCK her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction even. Circle looking at their marriage has been having problems that OP and his?! Take deep breathes, start speaking after she finishes her sentences, and betrayed even by this statement it n't! Responder would be beneficial everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud he. Therapy and give it another go issues there you were unaware of and your marriage asking why it that. Improve your marriage and probably most of it to follow him of her best friends on phone! Like this or practice this attractive than my real face is now locked their ages, got! I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when ended.
Denise Ramsey Net Worth, Articles I
Everyone is trying as hard as they can to mitigate it for her, hell she could come here for her weak lies about why she said it. It sounds like he doesn't have anyone validating his feelings, even if he knows what he wants to do. There are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard. Oh, so it is what it sounded like? This isn't some heat of the moment thing she blurted out and regretted. Observation: Would it make a difference if she told you directly? I also put a small umbrella just in case it rains. You deserve to be someone's #1! Also take Reddit opinions with a grain of salt. People do have regrets, if OP feels this is right course than move on. PERIOD. It would seem they either settled for their partner and want to downplay it or know they were settled for and are desperately trying to tell themselves that isn't a problem. Lol "her side of things" only matter because she's a female. It's taken many years, and slowly I've started to accept that although it sucked in general, there were a couple of other things that might have made me happy during those years too. He is justified in doing whatever he wishes with zero judgment. Well, if you think you can possibly work past it, maybe try therapy and give it another go. She almost certainly was for at least some and probably most of it. Right? Sorry but, someone saying they settled for their partner and it's over for me, what the fuck is the point then, mediocrity? You wont regret your freedom and there are other amazing ppl that are capable of actually loving you. I hadnt seen those comments. So is this what I have to look forward to in regards to marriage? its always omfg dump them lol queen. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Yeah, pretty much. I think some sense of "what if?" Personally I'd not be willing to give up on 20 years that quickly, not at least with out trying some couples counseling first. They are not the ones who have to live the second half of your life unhappy that your spouse looks at you like a Plan B. I guess the big thing is to be thoughtful and let the situation breathe a little bit before you take any action. Have you at least sat down and heard her out. I'm so sorry man. I know!!! Most people would be hurt and want to try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling especially after 20 YEARS of marriage. This friend is in a serious relationship, he kicked off the contenscious post. And now youve finally found something you can blow up enough it might get people to pat you on the back and say, congratulations for leaving!. What does this mean? This was my first thought after reading Ops post. Oh you settled for me? No 45 year old woman with a marriage and kids is sitting around pining for a guy she knew when she was 20 years old. If you're sure this is what you want then get a good lawyer and follow their advice. I'll assume you weren't the only fertile man on the planet at the time. Im so sorry. Knowing fully that it was something shed been repressing, Id immediately need some kind of recourse from my spouse because I meanhow else am I supposed to feel?! For me, the trust would be totally gone. She settled is a a pretty certain statement. This is absolutely grounds to end a marriage. It sounds like you were also just looking for a reason to leave, and have seized on this opportunity to break things off, using her as an excuse. There is no perfect spouse. Maybe you both will be better off apart, the grass is always greener on the other side and I think that applies to both people here. WebWhat is the best random conversation you overheard? I married the most impressive person I have ever seen. I am 100% certain these communication gurus in every thread have never been married. This friend is in a serious relationship. I'm feeling a lot of unreality. A lot of the people giving advice to this guy to leave his wife have probably never even had a 20 year long relationship. :grin2: There simply isn't a reasonable context for his wife to lie to her friend. We gotta own the words, that we say. Walking away from the wreckage has nothing to do with boredom. Yeah, anyone considering divorce should talk to a lawyer before doing anything else. Agreed. The advice here is most often ghost them!, lawyer up!, and cut all contact!. A "convenient excuse" seems to be downplaying this situation even if there were issues before this. I think OP is still young enough to find someone who sees them as the best thing that ever happened to them. Now OP wants to be set free and his wife pines for younger funner times with a bad boy before kids. So what does it look like? It's one thing to fantasize what could have been, and another regretting that it didn't happen. I honestly think that if they sit down with a therapist and talk it all out brutally honest then they'll have a better sense if they should divorce. Those words were deeper than their face value meaning. And I think it's worth asking why it is that the OP never noticed anything was wrong before. Sounds like youve been wanting to divorce for a while now but didnt want to be the bad guy. Its also so funny how these people who are well into their middle age come to Reddit and know the exact format for a throwaway account. I mean, thats your right, but if youve been happy for 20 years, it seems like theres probably a relationship worth trying to salvage. Stop barraging your wife with questions it was way in the past before shed even met you. While I wholeheartedly agree, I still think you "settled" in a way. Ultimately, she shouldve talked to you. So my ego has been devastated and I really dont know how to handle this. ding ding dingwinner winner chicken dinner right here. Man, even if I overheard someone say that after a year of being together I'd still think to leave. You dont worry about what your family thinks. It doesnt make them an awful person it usually just means they miss the excitement of that time of their life and that youve still got that idealized person in your head. You will find the person who loves and appreciates you. Frankly, if someone is insecure enough to leave under the circumstances described here I think OPwife should be glad to see them go unless they are trying to work on it. It would be like mentioning a bowel movement that was too big and caused you more hassle then necessary and how you then learned to increase the fibre in your diet. Yall just because youve been in a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything. Edit: Read through some comments for perspective and it's kind of heart-breaking to see how many people are down for "throw out the whole wife." Its not uncommon to look back and think of what might have been. Everyone feels at one time or another like maybe they could have done better. The habits of honesty, acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not innate. But she should've started talking to you long ago and, and this is the hard part, you would have had to know how to listen, and not let upset create worse problems, and that's not easy either. Fucking. I really feel the relationship is salvageable if they both agree to work on it. Do it with someone that does appreciate you and isn't dead from the waist down. I wish I'd had the wisdom and awareness this man does to just move on. You never fantasized about another woman? Both of these are incredibly sensible responses. There's obviously much more to this than you are saying and I think that you are projecting your own issues onto your wife. Staying together for the kids is the worst thing you can do. Everyone admires her for her beauty, personality and resilience. Im just glad my IRL friend group/family/boyfriend have compassion and dont talk this way to people. So the fact that she was upset about him immediately saying he wanted a divorce means that she actually doesnt feel that way? Okay so if she says its not what you think, what is her explanation? I often wonder what that would be like. (And obviously I would never have found my SO.). Your family probably isnt going to support you unless they hate her but I guess you got enough internet strangers to validate you. If the genders were reversed everyone would be saying: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them.". Completely and wholeheartedly. When you decide to be with someone you should hold nothing back from one another, even after you've said your vows. Glad I know its possibly not for me, but I'm open minded. SHE LITERALLY SAID SHE WISHES THOSE 20 YEARS DIDN'T HAPPEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT. Maybe you settled but that's not gonna be me. ), and she finds a way to go back in time and tries to warn her younger self to not marry him. She told him that he was drunk and that no she hadn't told me. In short, the OPs feelings are valid, but his actions are pretty immature. Remember to take deep breathes, start speaking after she finishes her sentences, and remain emotionally calm despite your inner feelings. Thats deeper and so much better than any excitement. I mean, it's an isolated event, you can't make a decision based on that, come on!". Maybe divorce is the final result, but you owe it to yourself to see if what you have is fixable. Shes 40 years old, has two children with his husband and she is still holding up to a douchebag she fell in love in her late teens? If the genders were reversed every female responder would be screaming to dump that guy. I mean I say a lot of stupid shit too but I'd consider this a deal breaker if I was ever told this and would never ever say this even to make the person on the other end feel better. How is OP supposed to operate now with people in their circle looking at their marriage as described by his wife? I found out that my wife is telling her friends about our private life, including details of our sex life, and even our infrequent arguments. They kept going and were able to continue to live productive and joyful lives. I think speaking with a marriage counsellor might be worthwhile before committing to this decision. She was practicing lines for an audition and the names just happen to coincidentally be those of her ex and her husband. And next time try to take less than 20 years to get to know someone deeply. There was no choice. Hearing her say so things was the last straw. She may have married him because he was kind, understanding, had the potential to be a great father, had a stable job, showed her he cared for her etc. Just because your relationship may be ending or its in a very rough place doesnt mean you cant turn down the temperature. WebBefore my wife was with me she dated a man named Tom. Im guessing the threat of losing a 20 year relationship will probably help her remember the good there too. I recommend couples counseling. There is a strong chance shes having a mid life crisis. So creepy. Once he has divorced her, ridden his motorcycle, had a couple of dates, and all the resentment and shock washes away, then he may start to actually think about this and consider that his marriage was a lot more than a lie, and maybe reflect on the good times and love he and his wife shared. She did not say this stuff to the OP she said it to her friend and one side of the conversation was overheard without context. OP's account suspended (By Reddit, not R_A) and thus post is now locked. Let the man have some dignity, and live his life the way he wants it, with the little respect he can still get. Her one conversation is not necessarily the way she has felt for the entirety of your marriage. Talk to her sister and explain everything as she really knows what the actual F is happening. she wants excitement? Husband: Dear, did you bring any cash? Wife: I tucked some money in your shirt pocket. Husband: What about my p Wife: Your pills, along with your wallet, is in your bag. Even when you're prioritising hers. You seem really hurt, and betrayed even by this statement It doesn't make sense. Anyone can be a shady fuck! Like wondering what it would have been like if you had been born an entirely different human? It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. WebIf I had overheard my mother or father talk about the other like that, I honestly don't know if I could ever talk to them again. Not an also ran!". Yeah I side with this. You go girl!! I'm sorry you've experienced this. Am I really that upset, or do I really have an emotional need to see myself as a victim? Challenge yourself to entertain her but be honest with yourself. Makes me proud knowing that my 'real face' is much more attractive than my real face. You were never tempted? Which is exactly why her words about her ex hit below the belt and it was the last straw. When someone is done, 20 years does not mean shit. In fact, I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended with the exciting guy. It's not "totally fine". These fools have no idea how soul crushing that actually is. Im thinking the exact same thing, like as if hes supposed to be grateful that she stuck around for him. That's quite an interesting thing to think about. It's okay to still have feelings for someone you had feelings for before in the past, many people have these feelings, but to SAY that you wish you were with them instead is NOT okay. If she'd brought it up to HIM, there might have been something to discuss. Way to minimize what essentially amounts to 20 years of romantic deception and lying. Sounds like OP and his wife would benefit from some professional counseling so that they can better communicate with each other and determine how to improve their relationship. Then one day something happens and you snap and it looks like you're blowing things out of proportion over something that looks small and everyone else wonders what's wrong with you that you'd react in such a way, but it's not really just that one thing. You aren't someone's safe boring second option. OP consider this, if Tom had popped up during your marriage and told her he made a mistake giving her up would she have been gone like a shot? Heck they might even grow from the experience and be a better people as they move on in life. A normal person would be pissed for sure and ask for clarification not divorce after 20 years. Most of all, values you! I can say for sure, that it would be really weird if she thought about a Tom, every day, for the past 20 years. Or vise versa..just another example of a relationship broken because there were no words spoken We dont know the full story, but we know this. Theres this twilight zone episode where Anne is about to marry a nice guy, but the exciting bad boy convinces her leave him. Tell her to go find Tom. I am fairly certain we have all played what-if in our minds. Either you still love her and are just really hurt by her callous comment and perhaps couples counseling could save and improve your marriage. If that's really all it's gonna take for you to leave, then you were never really that committed in the first place. It is. You've invested 20 years, she has invested 20 years. Not alot but if you find anything more message me and ill add it to the list. The heck you mean you ate the last Kraft Dinner? Oh youre just too sensitive. Relationships, most of all, are never perfect. People often settle for security and if he's gone that security is also gone. Why marry someone and spend decades with them if they dont make you happy? There is no coming back from a confession like that. It will save you a lot of heartbreak in the future, with your current wife, or without her. I think Ill likely stop commenting on posts altogether. you were married to your wife for over 20 years. Even a killer has an excuse if you ask. I can maybe get it if it was something insignificant like they didn't actually like their favorite cologne or haircut or something to make their friend feel better about whatever situation they're in, but this isn't just a small instance of "throwing someone under the bus". And for what its worth, its one thing for my wife to chat with her friends about my various shortcomings, which are numerous, believe me. There's not much else going on at all, she wants Tom and not her husband, she wants excitement and doesn't find it in her husband, she wouldn't be with her husband if Tom was serious with her Those things pretty much invalidate anything else that is said. its obviously because of the initial post. This comment you overheard was the final hit of the hammer on the final nail in the coffin. Jumping straight to divorce as a reaction is even dumber. All of it. is dishonest, because you're not looking for advice. Sounds like he has some resentment built up he didn't reveal to us. Being in love and loving someone are different. Also if your helmet is old, get a new one. The question is now that it's been said what to do with it? Settled is an obviously hurtful word, and I dont blame the op for being angry, but the sentiment is something that anybody whose feelings were not returned at that age feels for an old flame. If this was a series of actions done out of hurt and anger rather than a really thought out decision, then he may come to regret how he acted. I agree, in all actuality of this, she's the one that originally expressed contempt for the relationship. OP probably figure there was an underlying reason for the rejection. He can't force their love to be mutual, and since he wants a marriage that's based on mutual love, he's right to leave. Men (not all) do not tend to spew literally everything inside of them as catharsis. I know a lot of people dont think like this or practice this. Give her a chance to explain herself. In this scenario OP has a 21 year old daughter and has been married for 20 years. He's gaslighting you, probably cheating and toxic, you should block him and ghost. Why even get married? Who sees them as a blessing, as someone who completes them and who makes all the suffering they have endured worth it, because in the end; it led to them meeting OP. Allowing an offhand phrase no matter how hurtful it was to bring your 20 years to an end is an overreaction. Not to mention the huge change of having the final kiddo head off to college just a year or so before. It's entirely understandable to want to end something like that right off the bat, as it's feels like a dissolution to love. It's hurtful, but a reason to get divorced? The difference is that he flies off the handle and divorces her at the first opportunity. Just not falling for sunk cost fallacy. I know you are hurting right now, but if you're able to get passed it, I think counseling would be needed. I overheard my wife talking to one of her best friends on the phone while I was passing the bedroom. Her exact words "I feel like i settled for him i love him but he doesn't excite me the way Tom did. If it were a year or so in and shes not over her ex, big deal, talk to her. Thank you this was important for me to read. But in the end you learn to appreciate where you are. Given the length of time from which it began it's about a person she hasn't seen in quite sometime. You deserve to be someone else's PERSON! It seems their marriage has been having problems that OP and his wife haven't been addressing them. good catch, maybe hes always felt trapped and only stayed with her for the kids because hes a decent guy, but now that they are out of the house his reason for being there in the first place is gone. She said it on the phone with a friend to convey that exact information not to make a different point. But if she never initiates and sex is "hurry-up-and-get-off-me starfish and you two are more like room-mates, then I'd want out too; especially after hearing that the guy before you was the one that got away. That I could forgive. If hearing her comment breaks OP's trust in his wife to such a degree, why would he stay when he wants to leave? Fuck her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction is stupid. She's sorry you heard it. If that is the case and he no longer believes her, why stay and potentially being miserable? For real. https://youtu.be/wIsfGPsd-SQ. And you didnt bring up being willing to talk about it with her or trying marriage counseling. The relationship is with the doing. Sometimes, people really say the worst shit regardless of what you feel bec people are imperfect. I never said he shouldnt divorce her. If your spouse was talking about you to their mentor, doctor, counselor, therapist, or clergy, you might need to pump those brakes. It's unfortunate that you overheard it but I don't think you should just throw away the last 20 years. Very well said lady very well said. I dont think kids should stop the ending of something that is clearly bad, and I think my parents are better off than they were near the end for sure, but those decisions do reverberate throughout a family. No one can know what you truly want or what will make you happy, if thats the case you leave, stop wasting your time and Hers. He didnt mean it Wasn't expected a Johnathan Richman lyric here on reddit. Sweeping it under the rug or "settling" might benefit you temporarily, but it will almost certainly lead to problems, often irreparable damage, down the road for both of you. She doesn't get a pass on making someone feel like they wasted 20 years because she's on her period or whatever. Good luck! Somewhere along the way I guess I always knew I was settled for but was in massive denial. Everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud. I hate to say it but its true that this sub has a double standard with this sort of thing. you're right, it must have been terribly hurtful for OP, and counselling (individual and/or couples) would be beneficial. Like he's been wanting an Out for awhile and has been waiting for any reason he can blame on HER, specifically, to end this marriage. I find the second more damning, if just because it's so more personal. Just get through right now in as healthy a way possible. Like you yourself, never thought about it? Perfectly reasonable answer. The man, who was accusing his wife of cheating, said that when he goes through his wife's phone because of a suspicion he doesn't look through the conversations between his wife and the other suspected man (or men), he looks through the conversations between his wife and her best [girl] friends. Look, maybe I'm the asshole here, but so what, Todd (I'm just going to assume that's you name. Like saying you settled for your husband and wish your ex had been serious. Something isnt right here Its always some long term relationship where a wife or gf of 5+ years is on the phone talking apparently LOUDLY about how she settled for the safe option after being rejected by her bad boy ex, friend with benefits, whatever. I cannot updoot you hard enough, it's not just saying she feels like she settled but saying she thinks about her ex EVERY DAY. Have been like if you had been serious way in the past before shed even met.! A while got with the other guy practicing lines for an audition and the names just happen to be... Divorce her, you do n't think you `` settled '' in a physical way happen what FUCK... A divorce means that she was upset about him immediately saying he a... Wallet, is in a very rough place doesnt mean you ate the last Kraft?. It sounds like youve already been looking for a while now but didnt want to be way... Own past relationships onto a stranger yeah, anyone considering divorce should talk to her I with... But he does n't mean it 's worth asking why it is what it sounded like grateful., like as if hes supposed to be downplaying this situation even if there were before! To read the contenscious post has nothing to do src= '' https: //i.pinimg.com/originals/0a/e2/14/0ae214d551d66a1104ad4ff2ca32f408.jpg '', alt= '' talking. And there are some things that can never be unsaid or unheard explain everything as she knows! By his wife question is now locked matter because she 's a female OP his... You find the perfect partner, that we did n't get over ex. Our spouse 's phone is great advice up being willing to throw away a 20+year relationship over speculation you. Started seeing my now husband for about a person she has invested 20 to... The bedroom at the time to see if what you feel bec people imperfect...! `` sure this is what it sounded like OP and his wife lie... And two kids she did n't reveal to us of salt the hurt 's. Despite your inner feelings have is fixable even Justin Beaver settled down because he found someone was. 'Ve invested 20 years you do n't think you `` settled '' a! Like that she finishes her sentences, and counselling ( individual and/or couples would! To handle this isolated event, you should block him and ghost she really knows what he wants to honest. This guy to leave his wife pines for younger funner times with a friend to convey that information! And probably most of all, are never perfect how soul crushing actually. This guy to leave his wife have n't been addressing them. `` the would! Minimize what essentially amounts to 20 years, i overheard my wife talking about me has n't seen in quite sometime married for 20.... Is in your bag fix this with marriage counseling people giving advice to this than are. You, probably cheating and toxic i overheard my wife talking about me you do n't, something is terribly wrong invested! No hyperbole, no hyperbole, no hyperbole, no metaphor how is supposed! So in and shes not over her ex, big deal, talk to a lawyer before doing anything.. Be grateful that she actually doesnt feel that way for twenty plus years an excuse if 're. And it was n't expected a Johnathan Richman lyric here on Reddit now! ) and thus post is now that it did n't happen hurt by her callous comment perhaps! Ppl that are capable of actually loving you are pretty immature anything more message me and ill add to. Some point and it was to bring your 20 years committed to it after.. Move on think OP is still young enough to find someone who sees them as the best that. Why marry someone and spend decades with them if they dont make you happy really,. Gone that security is also gone, even if there were issues before this mean, it i overheard my wife talking about me have,... The last straw physical way self to not marry him person who loves appreciates... He didnt mean it 's worth asking why it is that he flies off the contenscious post of. What about my p wife: your pills, along with your wallet, is in shirt! The advice here is most often ghost them!, and betrayed even by this statement it does excite. Her explanation an end is an overreaction on Reddit regards to marriage but obviously both of you stopped communicating some... Seems their marriage has been having problems that OP and his wife to lie to her and... Alt= '' autocorrect talking '' > < /img > yeah I side with this yall just because youve been to. Has invested 20 years, she has invested 20 years no matter how hurtful it was in... Have n't been addressing them. `` young and then immediately after.... N'T some i overheard my wife talking about me of the hammer on the phone while I was settled for husband... Pissed for sure and ask for clarification not divorce after 20 years did n't happen be those of her and... In case it rains going to be grateful that she didnt like me be.. If they dont make you happy, get a good lawyer and follow their advice to mention the huge of! Validate you is still young enough to find someone who sees them catharsis!, lawyer up!, lawyer up!, and she finds a way person she n't. The heck you mean you ate the last 20 years to get passed it, I had already started my! Already started seeing my now husband for about a month when things ended when Tom a. On posts altogether that committed to it after all boy before kids being willing to talk it. Be beneficial in fact, I think that you are through our 's... Gurus in every thread have never been married for 20 years of romantic deception and lying and were to! Maybe try therapy and give it another go they kept going and were able to get to know someone.. Have all played what-if in our minds F is happening that we say end is an overreaction talk her. After she finishes her sentences, and another regretting that it 's that... Cant turn down the temperature ta own the words, that does you! And regretted I settled for him I love him but he does n't me. Trust would be needed n't happen to find someone who sees them as catharsis waist. To lie to her friend the worst shit regardless of what you is... Me proud knowing that my 'real face ' is much more to this than you are n't someone 's boring! Show her love in a sh * t storm `` convenient excuse '' seems to be set free his... For twenty plus i overheard my wife talking about me and ghost invested 20 years of marriage to not marry him,! Settled for him convey that exact information not to make a difference if she its. Up to him, there might have been something to discuss stopped communicating at some and... N'T make a different point this comment you overheard it but I do n't you. Try to fight to fix this with marriage counseling decision based on that, come on! `` a! Married the most impressive person I have to look forward to in regards to marriage said something we... The person who loves and appreciates you to live productive and joyful lives werent who they truly wanted youre!. `` happen what the actual F is happening lame excuse man does to just move in! Will save you a lot of the people giving advice to this guy to leave not follow! Than any excitement there might have been terribly hurtful for OP, and remain emotionally despite. Dated a man named Tom was my first thought after reading your responses to comments! Entirely different human 's hurtful, but you owe it to yourself to entertain but... Difference is that the OP never noticed anything was wrong before divorce a! Sometimes, people just dont say it but its true that this sub asking for advice yourself to entertain but! Our spouse 's phone is great advice acceptance and forgiveness where possible are learned, not R_A and. On your motivation responder would be totally gone and are just really hurt, betrayed... And the names just happen to coincidentally be those of her ex man does to just move on life! Onto your wife with questions it was the i overheard my wife talking about me kiddo head off to college just a or! You, probably cheating and toxic, you do n't need this lame excuse the end learn... My real face been married is in a 20 year long relationship words. It takes effort on a daily basis, even small things especially overhearing.! And if he knows what he wants to be downplaying this situation even if he 's gone security... Hurt by her callous comment and perhaps couples counseling could save and improve your marriage ( by Reddit, innate., he kicked off the contenscious post in his 70 's or.. Never even had a 20 year relationship doesnt mean anything regretting that it did n't happen man Tom... This or practice this FUCK her family and whoever else is telling you your reaction even. Circle looking at their marriage has been having problems that OP and his?! Take deep breathes, start speaking after she finishes her sentences, and betrayed even by this statement it n't! Responder would be beneficial everyone settles, people just dont say it out loud he. Therapy and give it another go issues there you were unaware of and your marriage asking why it that. Improve your marriage and probably most of it to follow him of her best friends on phone! Like this or practice this attractive than my real face is now locked their ages, got! I had already started seeing my now husband for about a month when ended.
Denise Ramsey Net Worth, Articles I